Today I chose to write here because I want to testify that God is good. I've been struggling for so many years. 3 years to be precise. Many times I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I know God will save me out of this. I fought and struggled and I was in denial.
Know that the reason I've not succumbed to this temptation was not because I am strong. But He made it impossible for me to submit. These 3 years, He slowly, patiently and gently helped me to shed my excessive pride. Pride that I thought saved me out of the mess that I was in. Now when he stripped me of all these burden, I realized that He did everything according to His own time.
For the past week, I was under tremendous pressure in regards with my emotions. I woke up every day praying to God that He will lift my burden. Every night I prayed that He make haste and bring me out of this trial. Many a time I told Him that I could not do it. I said He chose the wrong person. I will not stand and I will succumb one day. Bring me out I said. He did not. In fact, He made it so unbearable I didn't even want to wake up from bed. I just want to sleep the hours off. But His strength sustained me.
He said wait but I proceeded. And yet His restraining hands prevented me from making more mistakes. He knew my heart wasn't in the right place yet. And He knows best. What I thought I need turned out to be only what I wanted. No. What I needed was acceptance that when God said No; means No. In due time, what is meant to be will be.
He did not choose the wrong person. He gave me will as graceful as a willow. Often bended by pressure but never broken. God is good. He will bring me through this. Only when I learned to accept this path that He chose for me, then He will bring me out of this. I was unwilling. I was afraid I might regret it. But God's chosen path is never a mistake.
No, I am not being persecuted because of my faith :) But my faith was tested by something that I feared will happen. It wasn't an easy journey. But it's a journey worth taking. I regret nothing. Only through this I realized that I can put others above me. I realized that I am capable of putting my comfort at the back seat. I experienced first hand 1 Corinthians 13. Something I thought I cannot do. But I can. Because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
I must admit that I failed to lean on God in many occasions. But I guess He has always known I will not be lost. His restraining hands will not allow me to stray too far. I thank everyone that prayed for me whenever I sent some weird and strange sms-es requesting for prayers. Despite the lack of details, all of you had been praying for me, I am sure. For all who knew of this issue, I thank you for not judging me for my failure to overcome it for such a long time.
In return, I hope that I can encourage each and every one of you through this post. The will of God will not bring us to where the grace of God will not protect us. He is good. Believe that He will bring you through. No matter how insignificant you think your problems are compared to others, admit that it matters to you. God will sort things out. Let go, let God. Not easy to do but possible.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the diference."
3 years. This verse was with me. In my Bible. Today, I can finally say that he granted me the serenity, courage and wisdom. So have faith my brothers and sisters. When all things failed, God never fails. Don't let guilt keep you away from Him. Never.
-chenli-
